hair restorer/selection headache

guy briggs has patened a new hair tonic guarenteed to restore a full head of hair.all ingredients arent known however it involves 6 lime rinds the flesh of 6 gerbills and 10 cc's of goats piss applied 4 times daily.
guy has also run off with a brazilian mime artist who he meet whilst she was doing some street theatre in swalwell.her partner a juggeler wiped guy out half way thru his act and she performed the kiss of life.
swalwell pro nicky philips is a major doubt 4 sat. he was caught smuggling emu oil over from ireland.nicky regularly brings it over for tommy steele as he loves cooking those f******g chips in it,its his secret ingredient......a bit like the secret receipy for kfc chicken.....only kfc chicken tastes nice!.....